Tanhayi

Jab koi baat bigad jaaye jab koi mushkil pad jaaye Tum dena saath mera o humnawaaz
Na koi hai na koi tha zindage mein tumhaare siva Tum dena saath mera o humnawaaz
Ho chaandni jab tak raat deta hai har koi saath Tum magar andheron mein na chhodna mera haath
Wafadaari ki vo rasmein nibhayenge hum tum kasmein Ek bhi saans zindagi ki jab tak ho apne bas mein
Dil ko mere hua yakeen hum pehle bhi mile kahin Silsila ye sadiyon ka koi aaj ki baat nahin
One of my all-time favourite songs.I simply love the simplicity of expression, the honesty of feeling and the innocence of hope in it.It is one of those notes that calls my soul to me.Now-a-days,however,every time I listen to it,I find the simplicity unbelievable,the honesty skeptical and the hope laughable.I keep wondering will there be a time when I would be singing these notes to someone. Ha! now I come to the actual point- why?
I crafted the world around me with a lot of love and effort.I am so comfortable and happy in my world that I do not feel the need of anyone.Ironically , I feel the absence of someone who has never set foot in my world. When I set to resolve this paradox I found that my perception of not needing anyone is just denial of the need. Somewhere down the lane in trying to understand it(?), I lost hope of fulfilling it :). I see people around me through the window of my world and -- I dunno if its because the glass is tinted or is it because of the way I look at it -- I see them as shadows with no defined lines. Sometimes, it makes me wonder - have I become so cynical?
I take more pleasure in my solitude rather than in the company of someone new.I feel disconnected with everyone around me because I know ultimately I have to fight it out on my own.So I prefer solitude because its the only place that is left uncrowded.
Being alone is scary but it is not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship, aint it?

Choices in life

Why do I find myself sandwiched between two choices-- One which I would really want to do and One I ought to do...I am sick and tired of getting myself to make a choice...why does it always have to be that difficult...it is a gut wrenching feeling I tell you -- to get yourself to the point where it needs all your will power not to succumb to the temptation! you just postpone the moment till where you have to take the decision- which is even worse because you always know the outcome and in all this you have enough time to pine wishing for otherwise...Story of life I guess!

Out of comfort zone...

Comfort zone-everyone who thinks of one has one...one which lures you into finding it,one which you can call your own-all yours',one which can afford to change :) but one we never would want to get out of...
why is then i always find myself snugly stuffed into my comfort zone at one moment and thrown mercilessly out of it at the next...its like awakening someone from a deep slumber by throwing cold water on em...and then there is always the promise of something better out there...but only a moron or a genius would fall for that...as am neither and am perfectly normal i find it equivalent to standing stark naked with my fears out in the open with the world of unknown for an audience...it is not the fear of acceptance...this might sound crazy but it is of knowing that you would find another zone and in knowing that too wouldn't last...you tend to think of what next ?vice of being wise i guess...you keep wondering whether you really want to get into something you know the outcome of anyways or would you be enticed enough by the warmth of the memories that you just fall into the trap once again...I guess they don't call it lifecycle for nothing, history repeats itself, time and again ...and again for another time when you don't want it to :)...
And while am off in search of my zone again for the zillionth time, i guess its just life's way of saying "Ha Ha Gotcha"...

Moments

Ever been in a rhetorical "if only time would stand still.." place? yeah well ok if not that dramatic i atleast have a few favourites which will keep my rewind button rolling on and on and well few others which just keep the smile pasted on my face just thinking what it would be like..without further ado...PRESENTING...my happy place...
waking up early to find you have half an hour more till the alarm goes off...aa sleep,the most misused luxury i have ....
yapping away with my mom especially when she enunciates on my vices...can't help laughing...
just coming back home from wherever...
fighting with my bro...somehow,just can't do without it...
sitting on a swing,swaying to the breeze and listening to kishore kumar's songs...
discussing right about everything with my dad...
reading my favourite book...
even doing nothing with my sis...
cricket...well i guess the only thing my hubby should worry about :)...
sitting around in my pyjamas at home and just watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S...
talking to MY friends...
writing...something i do when am really anxious,somehow calms me down :)...
calvin and hobbes...
playing with kids...
shopping...one virtue i have inherited from my race of the fairer sex :)...
singing...yeah it makes me happy if not others :)
sitting around in a woody place,drinking coffee,deeply,from a black mug and having a book in my hand...aah quite a picture aint it :)...
gossiping...yeah well one of my favourite pass times...
walking along the beach side at midnight and eating ice cream...
getting a call on my landline...yeah well i am conservative...
receiving a hand written letter...proves it again...
watches! ah i can never get tired of em...
playing tt or basketball...its been a while...but it gives me the adrenaline rush...
getting wet in the rain...somehow cheers me up even when i am in crap:) kinda like washes my tears away :)
pictures...just love posing for em ;)
greeting cards...who says silence is golden when you can say so much with words :)...
chocolates...no matter how many teeth i lose coz of em :)..
lights...sitting on the terrace with only your thoughts and the breeze for company and seeing the innumerable lights that glitter in the city...just makes anything look miniscule...
midnight talks...just love em...
flirting...ok i neednt explain much abt that...
having someone say "love ya" to you...no arguing,one of the most fulfillig moments one can have...
and just loving with all i have...to me that is the essence of existence...

Bitter sweet pain

logon ki baat nahi hain,ye kissa hain apno ka
koyi dushman thes lagaaye,to miit jiyaa behlaaye
manmeet jo ghaanw lagaaye use kaun mitaye...
kisi aur ko kya bataaye jab apne hi hamara dard samajhna paaye...
that's the way it is...what do you do then? how can something you love so much cause you so much pain?.no matter where i go,what i do,what i become, i always knew there are few people in my life to whom i will always return to... one of these is gradually walking away from me, before my very eyes,leaving behind a crater of memories,not even looking back once,unaware of my presence...and i can do absolutely nothing about it...free will you see...the helplessness is frustrating me and turning me bitter...that the see-saw is not balanced is something,but to be grounded completely is something else...Yeah i know am sounding like a pathetic loser...i have no solution to this conundrum of my life except facing it everyday of my life...

Letting go...

she really left ...can't believe that i will come home tomorrow and not see her standing in the frontyard...she came in when i was like four years old and we grew old together till today... seeing her go away just opened a bundle of memories...like our first ride together,when we brought our baby brother home...like the first time i tainted her covers with the bathi...like the innumerous times we got excited because we were going in the car!!the many summer holidays when we got a bucket of soap water and just washed her...and as we grew up the many times we had tiffs about whoz not gonna wash her:)...she just came along wherever we went...she was one of those things you know,who was always there... i actually felt cruel giving her away...it was like losing a friend of eighteen long years...she was our pride...our first car...and when the last time her engine spluttered to life in our frontyard,it was all i could do to stop myself from running behind her...i just stood there wiping the moisture away from my eyes, seeing our old faithful finally leave us,forever...

Minnows and the Mellows

Bangladesh vs India what a match that was! Unfortunately it was talked about for all the wrong reasons. To start with, a very hand picked few actually acknowledged the splendid performance of Bangladesh. It was heartening to see the way Bangladeshis played. Our team just lost to a better team that day. They were better in every department of the game. The fact that the teens intimidated the likes of sachin tendulkar or rahul dravid or saurav ganguly, who have as much experience as their age, with their bowling speaks volumes of the level at which they played the game. They weren’t “minnows” in anyway it is a serious misnomer that. Anyone who has seen them playing over the last year would agree that the improvement in their game was tremendous. Their win over Australia cannot be pure luck. It is just saddening to see that when an upcoming team like Bangladesh wins over an established team, like us for instance, credit isn’t given to their performance or competence instead we dig into why the other team lost. Look at what they have reduced Indians to- hoping that they don’t bat as well as they bowled or fielded.
The only difference I saw in both the teams on that day was the attitude with which they approached the game. At no point in the game, Indians were confident that they could pull it off. Bangladeshis on the other hand exuded confidence with every ball they played. They were all over the place when they fielded. They didn’t get complacent at any point in the game giving due respect to their formidable opponent. They had the confidence in us that we could turn the game at any point, we just didn’t back ourselves. They simply didn’t give India the chance to get back into the game. As for their batting, they showed more maturity than the likes of their age aided by the fielding positions of Rahul Dravid of course. We simply dint show superiority in the way we bowled or fielded. We just didn’t have an attacking field with which we could well have defended even a total of 191. It is easier said than done. But it is India that they were playing against and they would definitely had jitters about it. And we didn’t take advantage of it. That was the only thing that was missing in our approach, the aggressiveness.
As for the reaction of fans down here, their situation is simply pitiable. They don’t enjoy the game anymore. It is always about a win. They do not give credit to the opponent, whoever it might be. This has been happening for a while and disappointment is understandable in a cricket-loving nation like ours but it is madness to take the game at a personal level and attacking the players’ homes. This way the whole essence of spirit of the game is lost. I know I am asking for a lot when I say it is high time that people change their attitude towards the game we all love so much. But it has to be done.
I am an avid fan of Indian cricket and I still believe that we have it in us to win the world cup! This is wishing them all the best !